Hilarious Home Security Options that Just Won’t Cut It

Written by | Updated April 22, 2014

While you’ve likely heard of good home security systems from ads, door-to-door salesmen, or word of mouth, the Internet is rife with cheap—and sometimes hilarious—options you might be tempted to try. They involve everything from deceptions to physical deterrents to noisemakers, and range from the common-sense and practical to the hilarious and theatrical.

The Lego Minefield and Other Physical Deterrents

If you’ve ever had the misfortune of stepping on a loose Lego in your bare feet, you’ll understand why so many Internet users suggest laying down a minefield of this toy as a security feature. Unfortunately, , unless criminals decide to politely remove their shoes at the door or crawl around on all fours, the only people likely to suffer the painful wrath of the Lego security system are you and your family.

Other Internet users suggest growing spiky, spine-covered plants near doors and windows like thorny bushes or cactus gardens. These sure won’t make entry easy for a person, but might also give your beloved pet a hard time getting in and out.

Finally, as far as physical deterrents, you could keep a collection of heavy, colored glass bottles near vulnerable spots. The thinking here is that criminals would have to painstakingly move them one by one to get by, risking dropping a bottle and sending a loud crash to alert family and neighbors of their presence. But if you’re not a collector (or a hoarder), perhaps this isn’t the most ideal option for you.

“Big Dog Inside” and Other Deceptions

You might remember as a child seeing those “Beware of dog” signs, giving you the cue to play elsewhere. In a similar vein, some suggest putting up indications of large, vicious dogs throughout your yard and porches. The idea is that criminals, upon seeing large well-chewed dog toys on the yard, big half-eaten bowls of food, or “Beware of Dog” signs, will decide to break in elsewhere. There’s actually a bit of truth in this, especially if you really do have a dog because some canines bark so loudly and tirelessly that they act like a car alarm, scaring off burglars; in practice, however, dogs can be silenced with treats (or more vicious methods), stolen, or scared themselves, preferring to cower in a corner rather than confront a criminal. Your home is even less safe if there is no real dog.

Beside the dog deceptions, many homeowners choose to put home security stickers in prominent windows or security company signs in the grass, trying to make it seem that they are monitored. Others have suggested putting large work boots on the porch or evidence of avid gun-users inside (i.e. by laying out copies of gun magazines, used bullet casings, or shot-up targets). All of these paint a funny picture, but seem kind of obvious and, unless you want to make your neighbors think you’ve got a loose screw, should probably be replaced by a real security system.

Jingle Bells and Other Detectors

Last in this list of funny home security systems come the noisy options, designed to warn you of intruders. You can set up large metal cans full of bells, metal scraps, or rocks and put them by the door so they get knocked over when someone tries to come in. Or maybe you want to tie jingle bells to the door knobs and window latches, or onto an ironing board leaned up against an entryway. Such options may or may not achieve their purpose of making noise, but if you’re not home who exactly will it alert?

There’s also the age-old spy trick of wetting a long hair and placing it on the door frame and door so you’ll be able to tell if someone entered while you were away. Matte-finish scotch tape works for this too, but again this will help your sleuthing skills after the fact more than deter intruders at the moment.

As it turns out, there are lots of ways to do home security, though not all options are created equal. While each of these are comical and reminiscent of “Home Alone,” home security really isn’t a laughing matter. Nothing beats the help of having protection from a monitored security system. Call 1-855-814-3077 today to speak with a SafeWise representative and find the right system for you.

Written by Hillary Johnston

A proud mother of four, Hillary is passionate about safety education. She holds a degree in Public Health and Disaster Management. Learn more

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